Laos - Part II

Sheena: “Oh my god, you SO have to try tubing in Vang Vieng, it's like, SO much fun”. This is generally the first thing people (mainly gap year students) had to say about Vang Vieng, the third stop on our Laos itinerary. Well, apart from one American guy who declared that he hated the place so much that he left the very next day. Too many drunken Brits, apparently. Nothing we haven't seen before. Vang Vieng is on every backpacker's list for one reason only – tubing. The idea is simple. You hire a great big inner tube, get driven 3km up-river, and float your way back to town via the many bars along the way. It's like the lazy rivers you find at waterparks, except faster, alcohol fuelled and more dangerous.

Karl: When we arrived at the Nam Song river we were greeted by a fast-flowing, mud brown coloured expanse of water, lined with bars.

This was our entry point to the potential death-trap they call 'tubing' and while other dare-devils (who had been through it all the day before and returned because they loved it so much) entered the water, we hesitated, watching to see how it was done. Confident that we'd be safe in our rubber rings, we then splashed in and rode the current towards the first bar, which appeared very quickly thanks to the sheer speed of the river.

Getting off at the first bar proved tricky, as it's almost impossible to steer the tube out of the current, so staff stand at the shore and throw out rubber rings attached to ropes, which are used to haul you in. With so many people attempting to do the same thing at the same time it became quite chaotic. The stop from grabbing the rope is so sudden, and the current so strong that I fell out of my tube. This happens to a lot of tubing newbies at the first bar, but in typical Karl-style, I continued to do so for each bar.

The first bar was heaving with people in various stages of drunkenness and the atmosphere was awesome. Some people were having bizarre things spray-painted onto their bodies, such as “Virgin” and “Paddy is a c***” (poor Paddy). Meanwhile, others were launching themselves from the bar's home-made rope swing (the biggest I've ever seen) into the river while everyone else watched.

Not fancying the look of either in our sober state, we ordered a bucket-sized Mojito (about half a litre) and sat down to watch, with the occasional cheer for an impressive jump or an 'Oooooh' for the painful looking bellyflops. All the while, I couldn't help thinking that perhaps I was getting a bit too old for all this. Of course, it wasn't long before the Mojito started to work its magic and I was dying to hurl myself at great speed into a torrential river.

I quite enjoy throwing myself into water in spectacular ways, but the swing actually frightened the bejeesus out of me and it took the rest of the Mojito before I could pluck up the courage and have another go.

We were soon moving onto bar number two, but only to use the loos, grab a non-alcoholic pineapple shake (an attempt to be sensible and remain sober), and in no time at all we were being yanked into bar number three. The Mojito we ordered here tasted like a bucket of bacardi with a dash of mint, so it took a while to finish. In the meantime, we had a go at mud volley-ball and mud tug-o-war.

After hosing ourselves off and wincing our way through the last of our strong cocktail, it was time to move on. As we floated down-river a huge slide came into view, constructed entirely of concrete and bathroom tiles. Obviously I had to try it out and caught the tow rope, pulling myself in. Sheena somehow managed to miss all attempts at throwing her a line and was quickly floating away so I let go to join her.

Sheena: About 100m on from the Giant Slide bar, I finally managed to paddle my way to the river's edge and pull myself to the bank using some well-placed river plants. I hopped ashore and landed knee-deep in thick mud, then having to wade my way slowly over to Karl with my tube slung over my shoulder. Elegant as ever. We walked back to the bar, ordered some drinks, and sat down once more to

watch people hurl themselves into the river. Up till now, the rope swings and ziplines had looked a little lethal for my liking. The slide, however, definitely looked like something I'd be willing to try.

As I climbed the steps to the top of the slide and stood in the queue, I was feeling pretty brave. By the time I eventually got to the front of the queue, I'd lost some of my resolve. But it was too late to back down now – there was a queue behind me, and Karl was waiting at the bottom, camera in hand. There was a kid in charge of the slide who held out a broomstick to prevent anyone from launching themselves down the slide before his say-so. After he was satisfied that the river was clear of anyone floating by, he chucked a bucket of water down the slide for extra speed and motioned for me to go. I sat, took a deep breath and off I went. My God, it was fast! Before I knew it, I was wooshing off the end and into the river, arse-first, with a tremendous splash. It was amazing!

Just before we left the bar I decided to have another go. This time, the boy was gone and an impatient man was in charge. When it was my go, I sat, took a deep breath. And before I knew it, the bastard had chucked a bucket of water on my head and pushed me down. I raced down the slide, gathering speed, with no time to think about what was happening. I was sitting upright rather than lying back, so as I came off the end of the slide I found myself falling towards the river face-first. Oh shit. I landed with a smack, emerging slightly winded and with a cut lip from where I'd somehow bitten myself. Disaster. After reading about how so many people get seriously injured whilst tubing because they go overboard with the drinking, I'd told myself that I'd be sensible. And now the very guy who was supposed to be in charge of making sure we were sliding safely had ruined my go. What an absolute pillock! There was no time for being angry though, we had to float ourselves back to town by 6pm or face a hefty deduction from our deposit.

Karl: While Sheena queued for the bathroom-inspired slide, I noticed that the pile of remaining tubes was quickly dwindling. Somehow there were more people than tubes, and it turns out many people rock up without one and then move on with someone else's. Quickly grabbing two, I made myself comfortable and waited for Sheena to gracefully take the slide. We had less than 30 minutes to return the tubes or incur a fine so after Sheena smashed into the river with all the elegance of a flightless bird we headed back, with a couple of tubeless and tipsy Canadian girls hanging on to us in an attempt to 'hitchhike' back to town without drowning.

The float back took approximately 45 minutes, and as I struggled to exit the river a small boy appeared offering to carry my tube (to which I agreed), walking only a few paces before demanding payment. I ordered him to carry it up the hill before giving him about 50p (an excellent salary for less than 2 minutes of work), at which point he demanded more! Instead I took back the 50p and made him choose between nothing or the most competitive salary in the industry. He smiled and chose the latter.

Sheena: We were late, of course, and had to pay a fine – it was worth it for the extra half hour of play time. We did have plans to meet up and drink the night away at some of the local bars, but it turns out we're a pair of old fuddy duddies and by 8pm we were absolutely knackered from the all the day's activities. We grabbed dinner at a restaurant showing old episodes of Friends, had one last beer and then stumbled home to bed, dozing off to the sound of thumping music from a bar across the river.

By the way, you may have noticed that all the photos are of Karl. I was definitely there too, I just happen to look completely ridiculous in all the photos taken of me. It didn't help that I'd chosen to wear a pair of Karl's shorts with my bikini, so in most of the photos I look like some kind of short, chunky, gender-confused boy divebombing into a river with an expression of terror on my face. I'm sure you understand.